What is Wrong With You People?

It's been a long time since my last blog entry, mainly because there's not been anything new to write about, but it occurs to me I'm on the verge of jumping around in the tube stations, shouting at total strangers about something they may not have even noticed they did. Probably safer to get it off my chest here.

Since I've been working in central London, I've been commuting in rush hour. It's as fun as you can imagine. Stuffed into a train with people's elbows in your face, stepping on your toes, kneeing you in the... you get the point. Not so great. But I can shut them out. I play music and games on my iPhone and I can be fairly oblivious. It's when I get off the train that the problems start.

Look Where You're Going
Eyes are useful on the front of your head, because that's the way our bodies are designed to go. So why is it such a surprise when there's an obstacle? You must realise that you're going to need your ticket at some point, so why wait until you get to the gate to dig around in your bag or pocket? My Oyster is always in my pocket, ready to be pulled out and scanned so that I barely have to stop moving. The reason there are queues are because people piss around at them. You've had the entire journey from the platform to get ready!

Plan Where You're Going
Related to the last one. Staircases are fairly straightforward, right? Wrong! So many people walk up them on the left side only to then have to fight through the crowds because they're heading right at the top. Why? Start heading that way on the way up, or join the staircase at the side you need to be at the top! You'll be happier that you don't have to cross the crowds, the crowds will be happier there's not some moron pushing through them. Everybody wins!

You Can't Invent More Space
When people are standing nose to nose on a train, pushing against them isn't going to suddenly create space that there wasn't before. People aren't standing that way for fun. I'm not standing on the train with some guy's armpit in my face just because I thought it was the best spot. Pushing against me won't help. Deal with it, accept defeat and get on the next one. Or move to a different place on the platform.

People Need To Get Past
On the other hand, if you're standing at an intersection of paths, don't be so surprised when people need to get by. They're not trying to steal your space, they're actually trying to get somewhere. If you don't get out of their way, the only choice they have is to push you, so don't look so disgusted.

Physics Apply to You Too
When a body accelerates, it creates unbalanced forces. This means a smaller body will be pushed in the opposite direction. So when the train leaves the station, why are you so surprised that you get pushed backwards? And then why are you shocked again when you're pushed forwards as it slows down? It'll do it every time, so there's no point acting surprised.

Stuff Can Go Wrong
When ticket machines go wrong and someone can't get through the barriers, that's not necessarily their fault. First of all, if you've just walked into them because you weren't expecting them to stop, that's your fault for being a retard. Secondly, thousands of people use the machine throughout the day, it's not actually all that surprising that there are hiccups every so often. It's not their fault, so treating them like they're holding up the line deliberately is uncalled for. And if they need to leave the queue, standing right behind them means they're going to have to push past you again. Give them some space, let them try again and allow them room to get out of the way if they need to speak to somebody.

Staff Members Are Not Your Slaves
The other day I saw someone calling for a member of staff to help him as if he was the fucking king. He wasn't; he was just some uppety cockney geezer with ideas well above his station. I'd have made him wait to teach him a lesson. Think of how many people they have to keep an eye on. You're just one of them, so if they haven't noticed that one of the few dozen ticket machines has stopped you going through, cut them some slack. And if it turns out the problem is actually yours then be prepared to eat some humble pie. And like it.

Other People Exist
This is possibly the biggest surprise for people in London - you are not the only person in the world. Hard to believe, right? But it is true. That means when you're walking the opposite way from me on the street and we meet at a narrow spot, we are both going to have to negotiate. I'll make the effort, but if you don't I WILL shoulder charge you out of my way. I'm sick of being the only one who gives ground in this damn place.

So I hope that somebody stumbles upon this blog someday and realises how much of an asshat they've been all their life and then chooses to mend their ways. If everyone was aware of what was happening around them, we'd all get through quicker, easier and happier. And my desire to execute every single one of them might dissipate a little bit. No promises mind.