Presents for Women: A Man's Guide

Ah, December. T'is the season. Sitting by a roaring log fire as the snow gently floats down, drinking sherry, watching ancient movie reruns on TV, waiting for the bearded fat man to drop down your chimney. Lovely.

But if you don't have the psychic skills of Santa, what do you get for your girlfriend/wife? Will she like the ironing board and washing up gloves you got her? Probably not. This guide is designed to help all the men out there avoid the embarrassment (and possibly pain, especially if you got the gifts I mentioned) associated with buying a Christmas present for your special lady.

Point 1: Shopping
You will have to make at least one shopping journey with your partner before the event. Sorry.

Ignore everything you want - you know them already, and so does she. Do not point out things that you like at all. She already knows what she's getting you, and probably has done since about June. This is your chance to shine, and you will need every single bit of your concentration to work out what to look for, what to avoid, and what to comment on.

• Walk close to her, so you can hear what she's saying


• If she stops, look and listen to what she's talking about

You want to get this over and done with in as few trips as possible, and getting all the required information now means you can get it out of the way next time, leaving you free to enjoy your spare time.

If Rule 1 doesn't work and you still have no ideas, here are some other guidelines to follow:

Point 2 : What Not to Buy
A quick rundown on the things to avoid like the plague.

Clothes

Under no circumstances buy her clothes. Buying clothes is like tap-dancing across a minefield. You are a man and therefor know nothing. Accept this.

You might think you know what size she is, but different brands and shops will be different sizes.

Potential Fights:

• One size too big: "How fat do you think I am?!"


• One size too small: "You think I need to lose weight!"

Just avoid the clothes stores. And shoes. And in the name of god avoid anything that's labelled 'edible'.

Chocolates / Flowers

This is another pitfall area. You might think this is a great idea, but you are wrong.

If she's on a diet and you buy her chocolates, you will get sulked at. Or she'll eat them all and then blame you when she puts on that dreaded 3 ounces. If you get candy that she doesn't like and you do (either by coincidence or design) you will be accused of being selfish.

Flowers are another strange one. They have a good initial impact, but since they die very quickly you will be expected to replace them regularly. If you haven't been together long, she will expect them (whether she admits it or not). If you have been together for a while, she will think you've done something wrong.

Potential Fights:

• You like her candy: "Selfish pig!"


• You don't replace her flowers: "You don't love me anymore!"


• You replace her flowers: "What did you do?!"

With both of these you need to watch for allergies. You don't want to be responsible for putting her in hospital. Whether she laughs about it in the future or not, she will not forgive you.

Books / Videos / DVDs / CDs

A novice mistake, but one made regularly. You may be happy with the newest car chase, explosions, naked chick film, but that's not a great idea. Her favourite book or film is acceptible as a secondary gift, but will not get you many points as a main - they are not very personal. If you can get a copy signed by the star/author/director then this changes.

Potential Fights:

• "You bought that for yourself!"


• "You think she's more attractive than me!"

Note: If you buy her favourite film or album, you will have to watch it/listen to it with her. This is not negotiable. If you can't stand it, don't be the one to buy it for her. You can escape if someone else has got it.

Additional Fight Possibility: "Why did you buy it for me if you hate it so much?!" (it makes no sense, don't ask me).


Point 3: What's Left?
Less than you'd like, but more than you think

Jewelry

This is a safe option, and the supply is almost endless. There is a wealth of unique stuff available, especially if you live near an open market, such as Camden or Edinburgh's Markets. All it takes is a little observation and you'll be worshipped as some kind of mythical hero figure. Or something.

If she doesn't wear gold, don't buy gold. The same goes for silver. This is a guaranteed fight starter, but easy to avoid.

Look at the earrings she wears already. Be subtle! Are they studs or hanging? Don't get one type if she wears the other. If she wears both, that's fine - but make sure it's in a style she likes (in male terms: just like ones she already has).

Necklaces. If she's not religious, don't get her a huge crucific or a pentacle or any other religious symbol. If she is religious, please make sure you get the right symbol! If she wears choker style necklaces, stay with that style. If she wears elaborate loose ones, that's your safe option.

Bracelets. See necklaces. Under no circumstances do handcuffs count as jewelry. If you must, get them as a secondary present. Do not buy her a watch. Watches must be chosen so that they match every outfit she has. You do not have the experience needed to co-ordinate this massive operation.

Rings are a grey area. If you happen to know the size of her fingers (or can take one of her rings with you without her noticing), then this is fine. If not, it's normally safer to avoid them altogether. Also, you may not want to risk the whole "ring=commitment" thing.

Point 4: The Last Resort
If you can't think of anything else...

If you still can't think of anything to get her, take her to something you weren't sure about and ask her if she likes it. She'll appreciate that you've at least thought about it and you'll get some points for that. If it's early in the relationship you can get away with "I'm not sure what you like yet and didn't want to get you something you hated" (bonus points for the word 'yet' in there and good sympathy score for the word 'hated') but this won't work later on.

You must follow up the non-surprise present with dinner. This will soften the blow. The present surprise is gone, but you replace that with a suprise meal and a present she's guaranteed to like. Score one for the guys!

I hope this helps out a few people and prevents some of the lingering disappointment that can be caused by crap presents. Follow these instructions and you can't go far wrong. Oh, and don't show her because she'll know you cheated!